Chapter 18

Once we got inside I asked him if things were ok with Mario, he assured me that yes everything is ok, they talked through what was said and they both admitted they were in the wrong and if a situation like that arises again they will both handle it differently.

“I think we need to talk Gill.” Sidney says as we sit down at the kitchen table with our drinks. “I keep thinking about what Mario said to me and all the discussions you and I have had about our feelings for each other.

“Mario is right. I have been such an idiot, you have been so good to me since we met and so patient, you were honest with me from the start and told me how you felt. Although I knew I had feelings for you too I kept pushing them away. As I mentioned before I have never been with a girl never mind been in love and I was scared.

“Mario has made me realise that I have nothing to be scared of. Although we cannot guarantee that everything will go smoothly if we do start a relationship it is a risk worth taking. I love being in your company and can talk to you for hours, I feel like I can be myself with you.”

I stood up and turned away from him and watched the Marina which I could see clearly from my conservatory doors.

“I am sorry for all the hurt that I have caused you Gill. I know now why you left the end of season party early, it was so unfair of me to think that you could just watch me talk to other girls and for me to expect you to jump when I ask, I never meant to be such a spoiled brat”.

I continued to stand staring out of the conservatory doors in silence. I watched the moon glistening on the river and it sounded like there was a party in the marina. It looked beautiful.

Listening to what Sidney has to say is hard. I am worried that he is only saying these things to keep on the right side on Mario. I know I should not be thinking that way but he told me only yesterday that he loved me but was not ready to stop being scared so why today after falling out with Mario is he suddenly ready?

“I know after everything I have said in the past that you will probably be doubting my honesty. I know that I have been stupid but I am ready now. I am ready to let you love me and I am ready to love you back. I want to start a relationship with you Gill. I think we should just take it one day at a time but I know we can get through this and we will be great together.” I think somehow how he read my mind and knew the doubt I was feeling.

I went and boiled the kettle again still trying to avoid eye contact with Sidney. I wanted to believe that he was ready, I wanted to finally be able to hold him and kiss him but I could not face being hurt again… should I trust that he is ready and take the risk? I decided that a glass of wine was better suited to the moment, I needed something strong.

I poured us both a glass and took them through to the living room where I cuddled up on the sofa, Sidney followed me through a few moments later and sat beside me but he knew that now was not the right time to put his arm around me.

I wanted to cuddle into him and feel his strong arms around me instead I turned and looked into those gorgeous brown eyes of his after sitting in silence for what felt like a lifetime.

“The first day I met you Sidney I knew that there was something between us. When you reached out to shake my hand I was tingling all over and my stomach was in knots. From then on I told myself not to have feelings for you but instead my feelings just kept getting stronger.

“Your first appraisal meeting was so difficult. I wanted to look into those stunning brown eyes of yours and tell you that I had feelings for you but I had to be professional. Every night I went home and questioned how I felt, it was not even a year since my husband had died and already I was falling for you. I was scared.

“I spoke to Kirsty and she thought the best thing I could do was talk to you. So that is what I did, after spending a lovely evening here with you cuddled up on this sofa and after spending Christmas evening the same way I thought maybe you felt the same.

“That night when you went on to tell me you were scared I respected you for being honest. I thought from there it would get easier but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Although I was spending a lot of time with you and you would cuddle up to me at the end of the evening you would always go home and I would be alone again. Most nights I went to bed in tears because I felt so lonely and I missed Paul more and more.

“Every time we were together I would fall further in love with you it just made it harder to believe that Paul was gone. There I was falling in love and instead of loving me back you pushed away my feelings but still expected everything to go on as normal like nothing was happening. When Paul was alive I had it all, and now every day I see you I face rejection.

“Sidney, I want to trust that you are finally ready for a relationship but I am not sure that you are. Just yesterday morning you were telling me that you were not ready but now that Mario is telling you that you are missing out suddenly you feel that you are ready.

“I really don’t know what the best thing to do is Sidney, I really don’t, I can’t face being hurt anymore.”

He finally put his arm around me and held me close to him. We sat there for a long time just holding each other neither of us really knowing what to say. I nestled my head in his chest listening to his heart beating. I could feel his warm breath on my hair.

“Gill, I understand why you are so wary of me being ready for this but I can assure you I am. I realise that it must sound strange coming out now after what Mario has said to me but all he has done is given me a wake up call and made me see what was in front of my face for so many months now. I love you Gill and I want to make this work”.

He turned round slightly and lifted my head so that I was looking at him, he had tears in his eyes which made them glow even more and they were so entrancing.

“Gill, please put your trust in me, I promise I wont let you down, please don’t reject me like I have done to you so many times now. I realise I don’t deserve you but I will do what I can to make you see I am genuine and that I want to make you happy”. The look in his eyes was so strong and I knew then he was prepared to let his guard down and finally let me love him as I had been trying so hard to do for months now.

I reached up and wiped away his tears as my own tears ran down my cheeks. I held his face in my hands and then slowly leaned in and kissed his soft lips, that tingling feeling came over me again but I knew then it was all going to be ok, we could get through this.